Juno Maurer

            Not to brag, but it was my idea to bring in the war elephants. You see,
Hannibal would listen to anything I told him to do, so I wanted to test the
Roman Empire in a variety of ways. I would even sometimes come down in human form and manipulate
Hannibal using sex tactics (ah the advantages of being a women!). I told him he would need about 40 war elephants and about 50,000 Infantry and 9,000
Calvary. At first, things were looking great, for the Carthaginians. Nothing would stop their troops. They had three major victories on Italian soil. I knew that the Romans would continue to have a stronghold though, so I did what had to be done to test
Hannibal’s loyalty to me and the goal of a Carthaginian ruling
Rome. I decided to ask my hubby Jupiter for a favor (I seem to do this a lot, I’m realizing).
            “Baby, I need you to do me something. We both know that your Romans are at war, but I want to test my puppet
Hannibal’s willingness. Do you think you could send a bolt of lighting or whatever you do best at his brother Hasdrubal killing him? Please baby?” I said seducing him.
            “Well, Juno my love, this is hard for me to do because you know that I favor the Roman people. They have always had faith in me and the women seem to love me! But maybe if you could do something in return for me…” he offered. I hated his sexual fantasies. Sometimes he asked me to dress up as a man just to “mix things up”. I this case I had to agree though because I knew that testing
Hannibal was worth having some kinky sex or whatever he wanted. Turns out all he wanted was some rock candy from
Samos, apparently he is aware that they make great sweets!
            “Ok, fine.” I agreed.
            Then Hasdrubal died in battle, or so the historians thought (but I know that he was struck with lightning until his head was burned off). Then I had Morpheus get his head and drop it off at
Hannibal’s camp. Here he saw the head and he yelled out, “Juno, what has become of my youngest brother? I cannot continue to live with this agony.”
I had found his weak spot. He had a interesting love connection with his youngest brother and it was a shame to see such a great war General have such a silly weakness (sounds a lot like Achilles doesn’t it?). I came to him in a dream that night.
            “
Hannibal, you have failed me! I cannot support your missions any longer. Good luck where you are and you shall never rule
Rome! And no more sex with me either! Haha sucker!” I yelled out.
            It is good to be the Queen. I can try whatever I want and see who believes in me and who doesn’t. I can try to test fates, but it never works. But I still have fun doing it!   

            So once Troy burned to the ground (thank god!), Aeneas began his journey towards Italy to a spot that would one day become Rome. I tried with all my might to prevent this, but it seems I do not control the fate of others as I would like to.

  Anyway, as the Trojan leader started his journey I decided that I would try to stop him. I called on Aeolus, god of the winds, to stir up a storm.
            “Aeolus, my darling, how good it is to see you!” I said.
            “Ah finest Juno, how may I be of service?”
            “I need you to unleash some of your finest in the direction of the Trojans. Could you be a doll and do that for me?”
            He agreed and lo and behold the winds destroyed much of his fleet and he cried out to the heavens in distress. Haha! I was so delighted to see the Trojans suffer once more. But my brother Neptune (the swimmer of the family) sent back Aeolus’s winds and said the sea was his domain. Then cry-baby Venus comes over to my darling husband and brother.

            “Make it stop! Make it stop!” She cried. “Jupiter please end my baby’s suffering. He is destined to find
Rome and mean Juno is getting in the way.”  

I was somewhere hiding in the clouds when I heard this, and I was outraged. This stupid whore was getting in the way of my plan, and Jupiter, being the pushover he was, agreed to help her. So I would later need to come up with other plans to stop Aeneas form reaching his destination and kingship.

            I then tried to stir up my people the Phoenicians to hate Aeneas and the Trojans, but lame little Cupid came out of no where and shot his stupid little arrows that made queen Dido fall for the mud-blood Aeneas. I went to Jupiter:
            “Honey, you can’t let her do this! It’s running all my fun. You barely excite me anymore and you know it! Let me have my fun.” I cried.

            “Now now baby, what is done is done and you and I both know we can not change fate. So let Venus watch over her son if she wants. What is cast is cast.”

He is so good with words sometimes (PHYC!). Anyways, my plan to mess with Aeneas was diminished for now, but I had other ideas up my sleeves (but those seemed to fail too. I hate it when Jupiter is right).    

Note: (I will be referring to some people with their Greek names)
            So awhile back, probably around the 15^th century B.C, I got real pissed off. It all started when my brother and husband Jupiter decided to throw a sweet party for the newly married couple Peleus and Thetis. I was looking forward to dancing a little and having fun, but then stupid annoying Discordia shows up with some big shot apple. She was pissed off that she wasn’t invited so decided to throw this golden apple at me and my other fellow goddesses. The apple read: for the fairest one. All of us- Venus, Minerva, and I- thought that only one of us should receive it, and all of us claimed it for ourselves.

            “Jupiter, baby,” I said trying to entice him, “why don’t you be the judge and tell us who is truly the fairest?”
            “Well I guess I could, but I think this decision is too hard for me,” he said, “I cannot bring myself to favor any of you three beauties.”
            I hated him sometimes. Always trying to be the nice guy and just trying to please all of his lovers. He is such a guy! Geez! Anyways we all bickered at him for quite some time and then he decided that a mortal shall be the judge. Jupiter said that his name was Paris, prince of
Troy, and had just recently awarded Mars a prize without debate. Then all three of us followed Mercury with his lame little sandals down to
Mount Ida to try and pursue the mortal
Paris into choosing us.
            We all bathed in the spring and one by one each one of us tried to persuade him. I knew fairly that I was the most beautiful out of the three, but I knew my prize had to be good.
            “
Paris, my love, let me make you the ruler of the world. Your kingdom should extend from one end of the globe to the other.” I figured this would be a great offer. What prince did not want to rule the world? In fact, what mortal did not want to rule the world? I felt confident that my offer would be the best.

            Then the other two goddesses went. Minerva decided to offer him wisdom and skill in war. Pssh! Who cares about that, I thought. Then stupid Venus comes up with this absurd offer. She told the mortal that she would grant him the love of the most beautiful lady in the world. He accepted her bribe and gave her the apple. I was outraged! This stupid mortal knew I was the most beautiful and instead he only wanted a trophy girl to have as his own. He was supposed to be fair, not lustful! From that day forth, I hated Paris and all of his people. I made it a plan to destroy them. Luckily Minerva felt the same way and therefore we could combine together to destroy his people. Because of
Paris and his lust and Veunus’ offer, the Trojan War began. I took the side of the Greeks. But that is another day in my life. Maybe later I will tell it….