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HI I'm dane cook and I was funny like 5 years ago when people would steal my bits from Kazaa but now I'm more focused on looking like a model even though I'm kind of a jerk.  What kind of jerk? I stole money from UNICEF to buy a pet rock that I could throw at people on crutches- thank kind of jerk.

 Looking back on my blog I have come to the realization that while you all clearly both love and fear me, you may not completely know who I am.  Thus, to compensate but not overcompensate (when I do drive it's in a minicooper) I will tell you the story of my birth.  My father Saturn did not possess the sweetness that I fortunately do- thus out of fear that my siblings and I would someday usurp his thunder (pun intended), and orders from the other Titans, he ate each of us.   However, this plan to eat the children she labored over did not go over well with my mother Rhea.  She formulated the plan that when Saturn asked to eat his next child she would hand him a rock instead.  While Saturn may have been large and strong, he was also kind of an idiot so he didn't catch on.  Rhea did what she could to save me and thus she hid me away on the island of Crete.  A lot of people say that there was this battle with the other Titans and my father and I came to his rescue but that isn't the truth.  What actually happened is I bought some mace as well as an actual mace and rode on hippogriff back to my fathers abode.  Once we came face to face we both knew that our argument could only be settled with an old fashioned gentleman’s duel- the Sacred triad- a game of guitar hero, DDR, and finally, Kitten Cannon.   For an oafish Titan he put up a valiant fight with his personal high score on both Kitten Cannon and Guitar hero, but in the end he was no match for my lightning fast DDR ability (don't sweat the technique).  As I walked away asking "Oh, High Score, what does that mean? Did I break it?" he grew angry and immaturely broke my favorite Russian doll set.  From there Some stories claim that I cut him open freeing my siblings but in reality I took him to divorce court and he had to return them as part of the settlement. We toured the REMJM circut for a while- you know Rosey, Ellen, Montell, Jerry, Maury- but then we sort of went our seperate ways.  Not that bad of a guy but he really couldn't deal with the whole loosing control of the universe thing so well.  In the end I came out ontop as both the greatest DDR champ as well as the new Lord of All, and I'm pretty sure Saturn is a living in Hoboken- sad it's like limbo on earth just half way between the city and jersey awkwardly on the verge.The story really didn't have much to do with the glorified scenes you may see in some paintings, but that Dosn't mean I don't think they are sweet.

you have probably heard people saying "Our God is an Awesome God" - and in reference to me in the Aeneid this is the truth ruth.  I think I have to give big ups to my main man Wergil for hooking it up right - Respect.  If you do ever decide to leave my blog for some dumb reason and then find yourself not knowing how to go on with life without more stories about me- I hope you stumble upon the Aeneid (Babs W. Boyd's Bolchazy-Carducci Publishers Inc. Translation is dank- just ask Gaylan DuBose. $14.99 US $600,99 Canadian (they're in a recession)).  So If you do happen to crack that baby open I'll set you up with the hot spots so you don't have to read through all that other missence. Here are my all time favey passages of me being awesome.

I lay down the law. Book IV 222-237

After King Iarbus moaned and groaned about me not acting on the whole "sitch" in Carthage, I decided to intervene and send little Aeneas on his way.  I was kind of busy so in these lines I tell Mercury to take his cute behind on winged sandals to tell Aeneas what is really real.  "Si nulla accendit tantarum gloria rerum nec super ipse sua molitur laude laborem. Ascanione pater Romanas invidet arces?" (232-235) Wow have you ever read such solid guilttrippin? Then in lines 265-275 Mercury does as he is told convinces Aeneas to leave.  Sorry Dido but he has got to go and lets be real anyways- you want a real man you can leave a comment on my blog.

I wear the pants (albeit they are crotchless) Book XII

In book XII I decide I've had enough of Juno's jealous bickering and so I put that woman in her place.  So I go up to Juno and I'm like "Yo, what's up with the inquisition?" and when she asked me if that is how I talk I wasl totes like "Yo, if you stop all the shiznit the Ausonians can keep their tongue, name, and culture. The Teucrians will get thrown all up in that and the race will be devoted to the Gods and maybe I'll even give you the spotlight. Aiiight?" Right about then Turnus kicks it and the whole shebang is done with.  Whose house?

All in all I lay down the law and don the leather chaps in the Aeneid- In the end it all comes back to me.

There are a couple more, but Juppiter's favey show Lost has its 2 hour season finale on so I'm outty.  I just love the ridiculous plotlines don't you?

O Ganymede- how I long for you.  Usually my blogspot entries are lighthearted, but this os a well deserved and needed nod to the most beautiful mortal to ever grace the earth's surface.  As my lover I promoted him to honorary god of homosexual love (it's beautiful don't judge).  I tell you no one, NO ONE, could bear cubs as he once did.  It is true that I personally sent down my favorite eagle to pick him up for me.   Ganymedes father Tros missed his most heavenly son and so I generously gave him "two highstepping horses  such as carry the immortals as recompense for his son" (Homeric Hymn V To Aphrodite 203).  This entry is not exactly one of sadness but reminiscence.  Here I am paying my thanks to writers like Homer who haven't blown improper and untrue words like this Shelley person has.  While I could never really get into the whole blind thing in an intimate way with Homer, He still gave me some pretty nice and accurate props in his writing.  However, I have one chief concern with notes about yours truly in the text of old-I'm not in any of it nearly enough.  Ovid's all over that with the Metamorphoses, but ya'll were seriously lacking otherwise.  Despite this, in the same mood of honoring my dearly missed Ganymede, I will focus on the good not the bad.  

So more about me- My favorite part of the whole shebang is in Book II lines 301- 328 (not to be too specific) when Ovid beautifully depicts my basically complete control over everything when I told Phaethon what was up and completely demolished him right around the beginning of time.  Just a quick ode to Ovid's Quite-dandy-no-sugar-candy description: "He thundered, and balancing a lightning bolt in his right hand threw it from eye-level at the charioteer, removing him, at the same moment, from the chariot and from life, extinguishing fire with fierce fire."  ha gives me chills as I reminisce.  He also chronicles my love affair turned sour with Io quite well.  

Virgin, worthy of Jupiter himself, who will make some unknown man happy when you share his bed, while it is hot and the sun is at the highest point of its arc, find shade in the deep woods! (and he showed her the woods’ shade). But if you are afraid to enter the wild beasts’ lairs, you can go into the remote woods in safety, protected by a god, and not by any lesser god, but by the one who holds the sceptre of heaven in his mighty hand, and who hurls the flickering bolts of lightning. Do not fly from me!’

Although I might not say that this quote is precise (I would like to think I have a little bit more game than this) It does have some nicely displayed inuendo with the whole shade in the deep woods- BOOYA!.  I enjoy rereading his version of this event, but i have to say that when I then turned her into a cow she was not still a hotty as he claims. "changed Inachus’s daughter into a gleaming heifer. Even in that form she was beautiful." I mean maybe like cute for cow like "aww it's kind of cute- I feel slightly bad about slaughtering it for food- but not really," but beyond that it's kind of ridiculous to say she was still beautiful.

O- well I kind of sort of got off the topic of Ganymede but he was kind of boring anyways.  All in all what Ovid and Homer had to say about me was more interesting- so you are welcome in advance for hooking you up with some sweet quotes about me- now you can print them out and tape them up above your bed next to a pic of my bod- sick.  

If you want even more than here ya go: http://etext.virginia.edu/latin/ovid/trans/MetindexEFGHI.htm

IF you have been searching my name on Googlescholar recently you may have come across a very trashy and plainly disrespectful of yours truly review of "Shelley's Prometheus Unbound.  I'll readily admit that my knowlege of plays is limited not because I couldn't know but because I don't choose to waste my time with anything that dosn't have a soundtrack that features sublime.  Aparently in this Review by Xiumei Zhang, there claims that I raped Thetis.  I would like to clarify that rape is not to be thrown around lightly and it is not a laughing matter, and Juppiter rapes no one.  Not only is this disrespectful, I don't have to rape people- It was concensual.  Beyond this Zhang attempts to make my punishment of Prometheus look like "torture."  What Zhang dosn't emphasize is that Prometheus totally deserved it because he stole my friggen fire- like forreal. 

Apparantely i'm super awful and am a "mythical tyrant" who "symbolizes the true despotism of human society." Also this so called Demogorgon is supposed to be the child of my beautiful union with Thetis.  First of all I have no clue who Demogorgon is, but if he were my child I wouldn't give him such a stupidly obvious name.  Clearly Shelley is aiming evince the word demogogue in this word- uncalled for and uncreative.  I don't even know what to say about this except that a punk kid named Demogorgon could never take me off my throne.

By the by- It is spelled Juppiter with 2 p's.

to get off of the subject of this perposterous piece of fallacy laced theatre, I would like to shift your attention to an artist who has payed a little more attention to detail, even if they aren't exactly factual.  Francisco Goya, a favorite spanyard of mine who painted mainly in the early 1820's, created this piece of artwork that I think really defines the crudeness of my evil father Saturn.  Although I didn't actually destroy him physically, I did truly break dow his mental selfconfidence (see the blogspot about my birth).  I'm loving Goya because he was a no if ands or buts about it kind of dude, just went straight to it, oil paint on wall. That's XCore.  Without much further ado here is a highly defined and pixilated recreation of his original piece Saturn Devouring His Son.

 PS This is actually how they were eaten, not whole as commonly believed.  The regurgitation process led us to a whole lot of crazy glue- messy.

Okay so you have probably seen Juno Maurer's latest post in which my "devoted" sister/wife questioned my skills in the hay.  I would like to use my newest blogspot entry to emphasize that I, as god of all, will not stoop down to her childish level.  As we all know the internet is a sacred and secure place where one can feel comfortable and safe about the very personal things they put on.  Some of you mgith be saying "Hey wait a second there mr. allmighty, what about crude inapropraite things on the internet like Paris Hilton's sex tape?"  Well I would like to remind you that first of all "one night in paris" was published on video and then leaked onto the internet, and secondly that there is nothign crude or inappropriate about the expression of love in which Ms. Hilton displays on DVD, VHS, and even Blueray. I digress. 

we went with the baby blue and pink theme to excentuate my curves

Back in the old days kickin it naked nude coppin a tude

note that package is not actual size- If you need some clarification gimme a ring