Lacoo(l)n

Yes…I am embarrassed to admit that I am an addict…a reality TV addict.  Whether it be Trojan Idol, or Hell's Kitchen, I watch, get hooked, and try out unsuccessfully.  It has never been the same since I was eaten off the XXIV season of Real World…Aeneid.  I mean…I took the blame for everyone in the house for bringing a stupid larger than life animal figurine onto the set.  I mean…really folks.

 And…you know…if we're on the topic of Real World, which means I am changing the topic to the Real World–I hate how everyone on the cast fits a specific profile:

Laocoon–fundamentally religious, quick to action who defies his set of morals by marrying against the will of Apollo

               Hello!  It's great Television

Seven strangers picked to live in a house, function together, and fight a war over one woman–man I hate the ratings battle

So here is the some of the other cast profiles:

Aeneas:  Frat Boy, assumed leader, belligerent drunk who must make the choice of whether to fulfill his destiny or marry the House Hottie, Dido

Dido:  Punch drunk for Aeneas, leader of her people, but in conflict with leadership and love, goes through depression..

Anna:  Dido's confidant, sexually frustrated, level headed

Rumour:  Gossip Queen, stirs up unrest in the house

I could go on and on…I guess I would be a good host for the TV Guide Channel…I market things well–except for perhaps not letting the Trojan horse into Troy…I didn't make a good sell there, but whatever.  It was a great show…perhaps the best season of Real World…it was epic.

Here is my grandmother's recipe for a good sacrifice:

 1.  Obtain a bull

2.  Make sure it is a bull not a cow–cows are not good for sacrifice and bulls are better for irony and foreshadowing

3. Hold down the bull…but let it struggle a little and try to flee for better irony and foreshadowing.  This also tenderizes the loins…g-ds like quality meat.

4.  Pray

5.  Sacrifice the bull

6.  Pray

7.  Clean up clean up…everybody do their share… 

8.  Wait for Irony to set in

Man do I miss grandma's home cooking and sacrifice…I mean if you are good at one…you are probably good at the other.  Am I right or am I right?  

So I think I did it right?  I mean the whole snake thing really added a lot to the zest of the irony.  BAM…ode to Emeril. 

Well…anyway…now that I have some time on my hands, being dead and everything, I think I might try out for the next season of Hell's Kitchen…I'm prepared aren't I? 

"Oh…Muse…oh muse muse muse…PlEAsE relate to mE the CausE…"

(My stage name is Derek) 

"Enough already…I must say-you are complete rubbish.  Oh Muse, relate to me the cause why this man, Loecan is it?, is so terribly off-key."

"You're a meany Mr. Cowel…Randy?"

"Yo Canus, no good vir, not good."

"What, but Paula…PAULA!"

"I mean, Laocoon, it's not that you are not a wonderful singer…you're…just, a not fit for this competition."

"But…give me another chance…all I want to do is be a famous pop idol…what will I do?"

"I say a priest…priests are good jobs.  Sing away off tune…no one cares in a congregation where everyone is off pitch.  And everyone likes priests…it's not a job where…like…twin snakes would eat you or anything of that sort"

"Well…I  guess Mr. Cowell…"

————-Scene—————

 And that's why am a priest not a Trojan Idol.  Yes…I had dreams of grandeur…but it all worked out in the end…just like Simon said it would…right?

Yo…so here is that Aeneid documentary extravaganza I have been talking about.  It's a bit indie style…like Mel Gibson's movies in that there are no featured actors or actresses–yet with less vehement Anti-Semitism:

Uh…uh…uh…stupid.  Oh, hey, look at me I'm Jonny B. Trojan and I am going to trust the great, wonderful Sinon.  Nice choice everyone.  Not a thought even to a terribly bad omen.  Let's overlook it all.  Yeh…and oh…g-ds and g-ddesses, don't kill the messenger…oh wait…snakes ate him…never mind, you must not have gotten the memo.  What a great way to die.  Die for being correct, trying to save your people…that's how I went out.  And snakes…yes snakes…didn't you hear about the cute and cuddly snakes!  Tell me…Tell me where in any literature of any sort from any time period I can find a reference to a nice snake.  Winnie the Cobra…NO…Jesus Christmas people…it's Genesis (I did some comparative religion courses at college)–Adam, Eve and the snake…snakes epitomize evil.  What a way to go out!  I am watching the season finale of American Idol as we speak and I am thinking to myself…hey wouldn't it be nice if the runner up got eaten by two snakes…perfect!!  

And hey…we all know what happened when they didn't listen to me…total annihilation.  And we see Aeneas only wishing he had paid more attention to the bad omens emanating…basically knocking him on the head…caput!  "Oh, I wish I had…"  But you didn't–that's life.

Okay…got all my frustration out…how did it go?  Well…I am not usually like that, but it is hard to internalize everything.  Sorry for making you cry kids…the nice priest isn't usually like this…you just caught me at a bad moment.

Pax, Laocoon out…… 

I have questioned my death as a big what if?  I mean…come on folks…if you were a Trojan would you believe (A the honest priest, or (B the shady and potentially deceitful Sinon.  Hmmm…that's a "toughy" Regis…can I phone a friend.  Well, usually one would/should/must opt for (A, but hey, that's life…or rather, that's death in my case.  I question the big what if's…would Troy still be standing, would I still be alive.  It is no use though.  It is the Creusa Complexity (a term I just coined that doesn't make total sense in name, but I liked the alliteration and metrical pattern).  Creusa had to die to propel the Trojan tale, as did I.  Pardon me for adopting an omnivisual (just made up the word, but you know what it must mean) perspective, that is, the all-seeing perspective, but it is easy to when you have all of eternity to ponder.  I had to die, I suppose.  It is a tough realization to wrap your head around…believe me it is hard to accept…but what other explanation is there?  Don't answer…it is a rhetorical question.  I could easily be angry about my death…and that anger  would be justified, but what is the use of an eternity of bottled up frustration.  I could use my blog as an outlet, but then no one would read it.   Ok, maybe people would, let me try being really angry on my next post.  Please respond to the demeanor of your choice in comments please A) passive and reflective with a touch of humor B) Unbridled anger accompanied with vitriolic sarcasm.